My almost eight year-old daughter and I have a nightly ritual. Well, I should say it is at least 4 times a week. I would like to commit to it each night, but sometimes life has other ideas. Tonight stuck me in particular and affirmed my commitment that, when I am home, I will continue to preserve this precious time together. She has three brothers, so this bedtime ritual has become sort of sacred and yes, a little female bonding for both of us. I am not saying I love my time with her anymore than my boys, (because she does have her moments when I understand why God gave me only one of her to raise), but this time together is especially meaningful and I hope it continues as she grows older; even when she doesn't "need mom" as much.
We choose a book and read a few chapters in her bed; sometimes it is about fairies, princesses, unicorns or angels. The current book is about Heaven and a little boy's experience with death. I was not sure she would understand a lot of it and I find myself having to explain into seven year old terms some of the words, but overall, she is captivated by a miraculous, unexplained event. It also gives us a chance to talk about God, Christ and Heaven openly. I am finding that I am also surprised by her wisdom and her thoughts, sometimes it makes me realize what I have forgotten from my childhood; that is Jesus does love all children.
Along with the reading, we also take time to say our prayers, usually before we begin, in case she falls asleep. Usually, they consist of daily dilemmas, needs or wants for the next day or year. Sometimes they involve others, but mostly it is a chance for us to say to God what is in our hearts. Tonight was different and it hit me as I was finishing up a chapter. I pray differently than she does. Her prayers are so simple, childlike and without expectation. She never has to think hard about what she wants to say or rehearse in her mind how to talk to Jesus. I always do. It is like I am entering into a contest on the best prayer or most thought out speech to God. Then I sit and wait, sometimes for days or months, to see an example of it happening, saying it doesn't change my faith or give me doubt; but with the expectations I hold, how can it not? Does anyone else do that?
As a mother, I try to teach my kids that being honest is the best thing, especially when communicating with God. He knows if we are being dishonest anyway right? Why is it when I pray I cannot just say what is in my heart? It always has to be rehearsed, like he didn't hear me the first time.
For example, tonight we both stated our prayers and while Alyssa was talking, I was rehearsing my own in my mind. I could still hear her, because that is a miracle of being a woman...
multitasking, even in thought. She simply said, I pray for a rainbow soon and to be helpful. That was it. Normally, I would be irritated by her lack of substance and commitment to our Holy Father. Tonight was different. She was so proud of her prayer and cuddled up ready to hear mine as I begun, "Dear God"...as if He didn't know I was talking to him already. "I thank you for the blessings of today and in my life, but"....that is when it hit me. There is was, "But". Why is it that adults only pray with a but? Like, if you grant me this wish, I will do this for you...
That is not how it works and that is not how God wants it, at least that is what I have told my children many times over, why did I deserve to not be held accountable for that, because I have survived some of the hardships of being an adult? Last night I committed to listen to God more, well, tonight, He was loud and clear. In the slight guilty (for lack of a better word) feeling in my heart as I prayed. I was not being authentic or selfless. My daughter's innocence reminded me of Matthew 10:14, when children were brought to Jesus, the disciples rebuked them, but Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." The more simple and pure the prayer, the more God will present His blessings to answer it.
My confession today is that I have not been a very good example in which my children can learn to pray. I no longer will expect them to "grow up" in prayer and rehearse what it is they want to say. I will no longer do that myself. If I cannot state a simple prayer without asking for something in return, then I will not pray for it at all. God knows my needs and desires and He knows how to best enhance my life with them. Only through that can I help enhance the lives of other people. They say that humility comes with having children, I always have tried to outsmart that...sometimes, the most miraculous education comes through the hearts and mouths of the ones whose souls who have not been gone from Heaven as long...as adults, we have let our souls forget as we have been consumed by tangible ideas and human ego.
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