In response to yesterday's email, I wanted to take a moment to separate two central questions that the writer had. (1) How could I believe in God and (2) how could I support a religion with a sometimes heinous history?
My confession today, although I love the Church and what it represents, I do not always love the people who have been placed in charge to lead it. It is a simple equation really, just like being a mother, I love my children with every fiber of my being, believe in them, support them and hope that I have given them the guidance and wisdom to use their free will to shine and contribute to humanity. However, I sometimes do not like the choices they make and will never condone something if they are wrong. I tell my boys particularly, that they do not have to worry about girls they hurt...they better fear me if they chose to hurt one in an arrogant and self serving way. Ok, so it is a little bit of Catholic guilt I have instilled in them, but overall, I want them to have formed conscious minds to not have to take on the "Wrath of Mommy" should they make a bad or life altering decision.
I feel the same way about the church. I was not always Catholic, I have recently come into my "Catholicism" in the past few years. I did know the church and was baptized Catholic, but it meant nothing more than siting uncomfortably in the pews for an hour every sporadic Sunday we went or on Holidays...that was at least better because I could show off my new dress clothes. Not all of my family was Catholic and from the time I could read all of the stories in the media of the heinous acts that sexual abusers had done, I feared it a little because I didn't want to relate to a religion that accepted that as a way to God. Besides, after growing up with years of sexual abuse by my father and his acquaintances, I could not see how God could stand by or promote a particular religion that harbored predators. After all, according to the media, that was all it was about, money, power, sex and greed. I was determined to stay as far away from that as I could and I would never raise my children in the faith.
I guess, God proved me wrong. I spent many years without a primary faith, I was Christian and believed in Christ, when it was convenient for me or I needed a prayer answered. You know, because God was the vengeful one, whom I feared and would cast down judgment on me when my life was over. He had so many times turned his back on me in my childhood. But Jesus, was not like that, the Son of God was more forgiving and understood what I had been through, as he had walked on earth too. Don't even ask me about the Holy Spirit, that scared the hell out of me, as if something was spying on me for God. I learned to curse and blame God and cry to Jesus when life seemed inconsolable and unfair. Never did I once consider they were all three in the same.
When I really began to study, learn and to understand about my faith, I did it on my own, not because I was spoon fed, cradled into it or forced to accept it. One day as I was struggling to accept the path of my life, I said, "Ok, God, I have been lost and I need you to tell me where to go." After that, many things, lessons and truths just seemed to fall into place. I had to give up my fear of God to let him in. I have always told my children, that fear is their worst enemy. Human beings are funny at times, especially when their egos get the best of them. When we do not understand or try to learn something foreign to us, we began to fear it. When we fear something, we began to resent it and get angry. When we get angry, we react in judgment and thus, the chain has begun...just look at how wars begin...so many in the name of God, yet, the people fighting in them were never further away from Him at that moment.
I have had to sit back and examine this with the Church. First, I want to say, that there is never an excuse for any type of abuse, especially from a person in a position of trust. But the cases of abuse are not just indicative to the Church. In most cases, it is brought to light because there is substantial financial gain to be made. This is not to ever take away from the victims or their families and as a survivor, I am empathetic to their healing. There is no amount of money that will ever cure the horrific experiences of sex abuse. I discovered that all of this is a bigger, worldly problem, sort of like the 1000lb. gorilla in the room, of abuse that society does not always acknowledge. For example there is just are almost as many cases of abuse within the Protestant and Jewish religions, comparatively by numbers, and the rate of sex abuse within Public Schools doubles that of all the Religious entities. Yet, the Catholic Church is exposed in the media over 1000 times more than public schools. Many would argue it is because of different political positions within the media and many would argue money. You cannot sue a public entity, they have caps as to what they have to pay, Churches are exempt from that and may have to pay what a jury decided. In either case, this is wrong completely. We need to hold human beings to higher levels of accountability, whether they are teachers, clergy, political leaders or Joe Schmo in the rural countryside. Again, this is a bigger issue, away from the Church, it is a human issue and needs to be addressed.
As hard as some of the stories are and as much as it makes you question your faith, one must understand that we are lumping God and His word into a human fallacy. We are taking the cases of abuse and attributing them to God as if He was the perpetrator. In some cases, it is hard to think that people use God to get put into positions of trust to abuse, but that is not what God had intended. He still gives us free will and as a Father, He loves us even when we fail to meet his expectations. He will never condone it, nor will he pretend it is OK, He use the lessons to teach us and it ultimately will bring us closer to Him. When I learned to separate the human hierarchy of my Church, with the truth, knowledge and wisdom that God has blessed it with, I learned to love Him more and understand that the faith is not indicative to human error. Human beings caused the discrepancies within the Church, not God, it was caused by failing to surrender to Him and letting personal ego control their souls. Ultimately, my faith has nothing to do with the people who represent Him. There are people who do good within it and it is through their light that I am empowered. Those people greatly outweigh the ones who are bad. I would not stop sending my children to school because there are cases of abuse, so why would I stop my belief in God because abuse happens to people, by people?
The greatest gift and sacrifice He gives us is free will, the ability to learn and to decipher what is right for us. The greatest gift we can give in return is to love each other and be the light he illuminates for us. If there is one important thing I would like for my children to learn, it is to believe in their hearts and trust that God's will is always stronger than theirs is. So while I cannot tangibly prove to my atheist letter writer that God is "real", I can show them by raising my children to walk in His image. For there is no one on earth who can love them more than I do, but I am comforted in knowing that there is one entity who does love them more...even after our short time on earth is finished.
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