It is no secret that being a mother is hard work and the last few weeks have taken a toll on me and my spiritual quest. I have had three kids finishing up school, which entailed class parties, teachers gifts, thank you notes and celebrations; all of which take time and need to be thought out. I have been in the process of potty training my 3 year old son, I have had so much determination in getting to the light at the end of the 11-year consecutive diaper changing tunnel, that I haven't stopped to breathe in this endeavor. Two weekends ago, I quit my job working overnights, although it will mean less financially, it is a huge relief as there was so much discord in that place, it was taking a toll on my soul and well being. And lastly, I am in the process of organizing a truly neglected house that has piles of papers, toys and laundry that have been neglected and pushed aside because I was trying to do everything at once. It all came crashing down in a whirlwind in the last 20 days and I have not had the energy or will power to keep up with any of it. My biggest frustration has been in my prayer life and my relationship with God. I stopped listening when I felt He was turning his back on the simple issues that I was facing.
I thought writing daily blogs would be easy. I thought that if I prayed enough to God for help and meditated enough to listen, it all would fall into place. The first 12 days seemed easy, I had so many thoughts and ideas, so many conversations with God, Mary and Jesus. I learned to pray to Saints and ones who were just Beautified; specifically St. Francis of Assisi and Mother Teresa. I was listening and taking notes, trying to maintain the balance of living in prayer and also attending to my duties as a wife and mother. It all was supposed to be easy....up until the past 20 days.
It is not that I have not had thoughts or wanted to write a daily confession. I have just been wrestling with my ego as to what messages I was receiving and who specifically they were from. Most of the people closest to me know that I have had many conversations with God or my "spirit guides" (Guardian Angels) if you will since a young child. It is only the past couple of years that I have been vocal about them and learned to trust that it did not matter what anyone else thought of me. I know I am not crazy or making up the information I receive, I just never knew how to convey it to other people out of fear; fear of being judged and fear of losing the words in my heart because I was told I was wrong. I thought I was at a point in my life where I could handle all of my choices and responsibilities as a mother, wife, human being and a child of God. I had set parameters around God and what my expectations of Him were on my journey into Catholicism. It has been a source of great frustration and writer's block, especially in the last 20 days. I confess that I have felt abandoned by God and frustrated that I could not keep up with the promises I had made to Him.
It is funny how God's time is not the same as our own. I had a wonderful lunch today with an "old" friend that made me realize that it was I who had turned God out because I was not surrendering to Him or being patient enough to work on His time. I say "old", because our souls have known each other for a long time, yet we only met a year ago. Do you know people like that? Your soul connects as if you had known them your whole life? In a nut shell, she said to me that I have abandoned my responsibility of who God created me to be. Although I did not think of it that way, she was so right. I have been so busy visualizing and knowing what it was that I want to do and what messages I want to pass on to people to help their souls, that I did not stop to think that some of my confusion was not from God at all and my soul was lacking in faith and trust. God is so simple, God is Love. When I am in prayer and I am discerning the messages I get, I am shown images and information that would normally take minutes to describe, yet they all come in one instant package. I never question it, it just resonates in my heart. It is the same way when I write, I do not think about or rehearse the words that I feel, I just write them, then I edit, but I never place judgment or let my ego decide what is accurate. For what ever reason in my busy life, I had forgotten that. I have been forcing a relationship and expecting things from God because I felt it was the right time and I had to write, even when there was no message of love. I have been feeling a little resentful that I have commited myself to God, but the communicaton was not when I wanted it.
How could I have missed so much in the last 3 weeks? In my quest to learn and understand God and my faith; I have created a box; with set parameters, guidelines and expectations in which God was to follow. I have struggled with things that I have created because of the limits I put on my relationship with God...Ouch, a direct example of my own humility and humanity all wrapped up in a few weeks of suffering...all brought on by my ego and limiting ideas of who God was to me! I cannot expect God to communicate with me when I place a limit for which He is allowed to give me. All of the struggles I have been feeling and lack of words I have been writing were not from God, but from my own fears and doubts that He was not helping me. Isn't that ironic that I had been writing about surrendering and yet, I still was caught up in the doubt because I could not see Him directly. Or in this case, what He was not telling me. This has been a hard confession to swallow, but a huge lesson for my soul and spiritual journey. From this moment on, I will make an effort to be aware of the requirements I have for God. That is, there will be no requirements, no expectations, no fear of not knowing and no internalizing the messages I get in prayer and meditation. God's lessons and messages are not for me to judge or to decipher. My purpose is to learn to grow and to share all that I receive in my heart. Thank you God for sending me the friend that you did today. And thank you for not being inside of the box full of my expectations. You are the one true mystery and I am surrendering my trust, once again (and probably will have to again in my life) only this time, I have the knowledge to maintain my trust, even when I do not see physical evidence of your presence.
