The three days of Christ’s passion, within the Church referred to as the Triduum, we are given another opportunity to reflect on our lives and Christ’s role within it. In this Lenten Season, I have been reflecting on what it means to me; the sacrifices I will make in my life and recognize of all the ones Christ has already made for me. My Easter Journey began 6 months ago. Back in October- the 13th to be exact. I was working on an article about forgiveness and no matter how I tried, I was not able to complete it. What was the reason for this block? I am a fairly forgiving person; I have tried to live a good life and learned to take accountability for my sins. I had let the people in who enriched it and let go of the ones who had meant harm. I had confessed any wrong doings I have done to people over the years, with intent or by accident, and prayed for them to be forgiven. I had no hang-ups in my life to that point and I thought I had let go of many bad things in my past.
That night, I went to bed like any night, tired from managing a household with four small children preparing for the next day to be no different than the last. I said a small prayer of thanks for my life to God. I remember that night, I had an amazing dream and was awakened in it by a hand on my shoulder. I was in a room that was lit with an amazing, warm light and a feeling of peace I cannot describe with human words. I was confused as to what my reality was and thought my husband was next to me, but the shadow of another man appeared in front of me. His eyes were the color of honey and his skin was perfect, there was so much light around him that I could not see every feature, I had never felt that amount of love radiated onto me. All he said was, “forgiveness will be your lesson.” I woke up and found myself back in my bed. I have never had such a dream that felt so intense and such memory of every detail. I continued to have some form of the same dream for the next eight nights. The ninth night, when I did not have the same dream, I felt a bit of a loss and an ache in my heart. I was afraid to share this with my husband because I didn’t think he would believe me; like so may occurrences in my life, you learn to guard some when you think no one will believe your experience. I somehow knew there was going to be a lesson in it, I just didn’t realize how great it would be.
Two days later, on a warm October afternoon, I picked up my kids from school and went to get gas across the street. My three youngest ones were in the car yelling out the open windows as I was pumping. I had the feeling I was being watched and looked up to see a man smiling at me. My heart stopped as I recognized him instantly; he looked at me as if he thought he knew me, but could not remember. I felt so much fear in that moment, as the last time I saw him, my testimony had sent him to prison. He looked the same, a little grayer, but still as I remember. He kept looking at me and smiled. I immediately went into the flight mode I learned as a child. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could, then I remembered my children were there. He looked at my daughter, who is my clone as a child, stepped back and said, “ am sorry, you just remind me of someone I knew.” To this day, I do not know what possessed me to speak to him at all, but I answered, "because you do know me."
He looked at me again and then at my daughter. His eyes became red with tears. He said, "oh my God, you are a beautiful woman now." He walked closer to my car and looked in. He said, "you are a mother now, they are so beautiful.” I did not want to engage with him, but I told him that I was happy and had a great life. He said, "you look like you are doing well, I always knew you would." I just looked at him, wondering why of all things he would say that? Did he not have any memory at all of the pain he had brought to me? All of a sudden he just started to cry as he said over and over, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry for everything I did to you." In all my years, I had never known him to cry, I didn’t think he was capable of being anything other than a cruel monster. Many children grow up being afraid of the boogey man or the monster in the closet. Not me, I grew up afraid of the man who was my father. The man who was supposed to tuck me in at night and protect me from the world and people who might hurt me.
By now, people were around us and my children were in the car confused as to why I was making this adult man cry. It did not feel like reality, yet in that moment, I had never felt more grounded or strong. I did not feel afraid anymore, the years pain he put my mother, brother and me through, seemed to mesh together. I just said, I am glad to see you are well and I went to get in my car. It dawned on me that until that moment, he had never taken accountability for his actions or had ever apologized for the things he took from my childhood. The first twelve years of my childhood.
I wanted to drive away and process what was happening, then I could hear in my head, the words of the man in my dream. He stood there sobbing and I turned around, put my hand on his shoulder and said, “I need to tell you that I forgive you." He just looked at me and crouched to his knees on the ground. By this time, everyone at the station was staring at us, no one knew what was going on. I got in my car and drove away as he was still kneeling there on the ground by the pump.
I didn't know what brought him there or why it happened that way, but when I left it felt like a cloud was lifted off of my life. I felt like I should have been crying, but all I could think of was my dreams a few days before. It was so clear, they were meant to prepare me for what needed to be done. A few years back, I wrote him a letter and mailed it to an address I thought was his. I had no way of knowing if he ever read it or if it meant anything to him. I do know it didn’t bring me the closure I wanted. I was not prepared for what happened and never dreamed that it would happen that way, I have always thought about what I would say if I ever saw him again. I realized that many of the things I have struggled with as a mother, wife and adult were related to not just forgiving him, but forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for the pain and shame I have carried all these years. The things that he had done will never be forgotten, but I can live a life closer to Christ knowing that my heart was pure in forgiving him. Ultimately, his actions are not for me to judge or let define who I was or who I have become.
That day, I became a reality to my father. I felt that he finally saw me as a human being, not the object I was as a child. I also became a projection of Christ to him. I was given the grace and dignity to choose to be a better human being than he ever was. I was also given the blessing to show him how to be Christ-like and how to forgive. I am not angry anymore, I feel like much of the hole in my heart has been filled and I am where I am supposed to be. I also know that it was really a pure state of forgiveness and I never once thought about taking it back. My statement of forgiveness to him does not in anyway excuse the choices he has made in is life, but I hope that somehow it will help him to heal and be a better person for the rest of his life. I know that my life will never be the same.
I have scars on my body that I have been embarrassed to show and would ignore because they would remind me of the pain from my childhood. Since this meeting, I can now see the sacrifice in them, the sacrifice that has brought me closer into my faith and to God. I do not get to go back and have another childhood, but I do get the grace of understanding the beauty of personal sacrifice. I had never thought of the Easter Triduum as a new beginning for me. Through my scars, I see that they are just like the one’s Christ had to bear, except that I get to live with them and guide my children towards Him. Christ did not get what I have been given; his wounds never got to become scars. Without Christ's love and sacrifice for us, we would not get the chance to live and reflect it each year. It is funny how we only recognize this once a year on Easter. Why is it that we have to have Easter to remind us how much we are loved by God each year?
My lesson in forgiveness has taught me that I can never be fully be aware of the sacrifices Christ made for me if I do not learn to walk in his shoes. This Easter season is about more than just the celebration of Christ’s death and resurrection. It is about forgiveness, which is the ultimate sacrifice. That sacrifice for me meant to let go of my ego and to surrender to a trust that I sometimes cannot see. If He forgave all those who put him to death, who am I to not do the same? This does not excuse the actions of my father or anyone who has done wrong. I have carried a lot of fear that my past was holding me back from always being the mother and wife I needed to be. How could I teach my children forgiveness, in their lives when I had never fully given it myself? This Easter, I will surrender all that I am and trust all of my fears to God. For nothing happens by accident, it may be out of our human control, but nothing happens without a purpose and lesson from God. That is what Easter is supposed to be.
