Beautiful Suffering

I have recently taken on a part-time job to help pay for some of the extra activities and necessities for our children. (I am going to be completely honest and say out right that it is not where I would rather be spending my time!) Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to guilt my husband into asking for a long over due, well-deserved pay-raise, I certainly do not mind helping out financially. I am also going through some health issues and have chronic back pain which sometimes makes the manual labor of the job that much harder to deal with. Lately, I am feeling exhausted, worn down and a chronic lingering pain in my lower back. I find myself gritting my teeth to get by taking care of my children or doing household chores. I am blessed and grateful that my husband has stepped up to help with chores. I am also a type A personality and I like knowing where things are in the house. (I am sure my husband has some choice words for my grouchy attitude, but he is too much of a gentleman to say them, at least publicly!) This has been a tough adjustment and put me completely out of my comfort level, among feelings of losing total control of the household management and husband my not knowing that everything has a place, I feel like I am not being the mother or wife my family needs me to be. Sometimes those feelings are projected to my husband; I have to remind myself that he is helping, not get frustrated and treat him like one of the children when things are not in the correct places. After all, they have been in those places for years now, I guess he never had to notice and I am learning to be grateful for the laundry being done at all...even if I have to spend the next day trying to find it all in random places in our closets!

I took a job that would still allow me to be a "mom" during the day and not interfere with the chaotic schedules I have created by putting my children in to their various activities. I am not complaining about that, and please don't tell me "I did it to myself", because believe me I am well aware of the misery I put myself in by going in four different directions each afternoon and on weekends. Again, it is not that I am complaining about the reality of my life, I just am feeling a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. I could not imagine having to go to work 40 hours a week, 5 days a week and still keeping up with the kids schedules. Most activities are not meant for children who have two working parents who are not each assigned a nanny. The hardest thing is realizing that the 4 years of college and the degree I had so many dreams with is not being used at all. In fact, I am working for just over minimum wage and after a 9 hour shift, I still make $5 less than my husband does an hour. I am only doing two overnights a week and my 30 hours are structured, not like my husbands sometimes 50-60 hours, so in the scheme of things, he puts in more time with no extra pay than I do. Even so, I know my lack of sleep adds tremendously to my low sense of financial worth; but the reality is, it is a sacrifice I wanted to make, although sometimes I find myself resenting my husband for his prestigious career and my children for the financial impact they have on our lives. I guess my parents were too kind to tell me that I would be signing up to be an ATM machine on automatic withdrawal every single day!

It was never supposed to be this way, I always wanted to be a mother, marry a man who did well in his career and hold down my own career as well. My degree and career were in Social Work, so I always knew I would not be rich, in fact I half expected to be living on the same food stamps my clients were on. Actually, one of the reasons I quit working full time was because we were paying more in daycare costs than I was bringing in. I could probably write for the next year about how we are completely backwards in our culture and we pay our helping professional nothing close to what their value to society is, but I would not be writing about anything you all do not already know. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to gain sympathy or complain about the fact that I have to work, it is just that sometimes it is hard to see the silver lining when you are in the middle of a situation you are not happy to be in. I know how silly and petty my attitude in this sounds, but sometimes when we are forced to do things we do not want to do, it makes us feel like we are the only ones who are suffering. I am not talking about suffering in comparison to the rest of the world, because I am aware of how blessed I am and how humanity suffers in much greater areas than my tiny little microcosm right now. I am referring to the type of suffering we all do on a daily basis, just to get by. Sometimes this suffering seems more than we can bear or unfair that we are enduring it at all. Human beings always think that we are the only ones who are suffering and no one can understand what we are going through. After all, why does God allow any of his children to feel any kind of suffering, no matter how great or small it may be?

It is funny sometimes when we are in the midst of our own personal frustrations, we find that God does present us with the grace to endure and become closer to Him. Sometimes we ignore it or are too stubborn to accept when it presents itself...or like me, I would rather not address it at all, my ego sometimes just cannot take it! I also know that I have endured far more suffering and pain in my life than this, that it makes me feel shame in myself that I am being such a baby in the first place. (Another blow to my ego, if I could accept it from the get-go, I would not be writing this to begin with!) I am reading a book called Meetings with Mary, Visions of the Blessed Mother, I have been reading it for a couple months now. It is not the kind of book I am reading consistently, lets face it, with four kids, I am happy to get to read anything over the easy reader levels. Yet, no matter how far I get, where ever I pick up, the content always pertains to the realities of my life at that moment. I know that is not by accident. Nothing is.

Last night, I read about an amazing visionary to the Blessed Mother, Bernardo Martinez, his visions happened at a time of tremendous suffering for him and the people in his country of Nicaragua. One message our Blessed Mother gave to him struck me particularly. "Fulfill your duties, put the Word of God into practice...Do not ask God constantly for things that are unimportant. Ask God to increase your faith so that you have the strength to carry your own cross...Ask instead for faith in order that you will have patience". I read this message over and over again, it was like it was written just for my moment, my small suffering and for my own personal growth. I was humbled and embarrassed at the same time and I found myself asking the Blessed Mother for forgiveness for my petty feelings of abandonment and my lack of faith that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Right now at this moment. I may feel like I am suffering so much for so little and I may not like having to do what I am doing, but there is a lesson in it for me. I do not have the answers to the lesson just yet, but I am sure in God's time I will be inspired by and learn the value of them.

I am not going to end this with an answer to my personal journey presently, because I am still in the midst of it and learning from it. This time I am going to simply let it be. I am going to accept that what ever comes along in my life that brings me suffering, is God's way of bringing me closer to Him. It is the Blessed Mother's way of bringing me closer to her Son. What I am suffering for my children right now is far less than she had to sacrifice, the beautiful idea that I get to learn from it makes it easier to offer up. What I do know right now is that this suffering will end and I will experience different levels of it throughout my life. Yet, in the end, I will see my own children grow up, have families and grow old. She never got that chance, she knew she would not and yet, she still welcomed the suffering and pain it brought. Her complete trust in His Word, gave her the faith to endure her human existence. One thing I do know is that the knowledge I will gain from this period of suffering will ultimately help me to bring my children closer to Him. There is no amount of suffering, too great or too small, more worth the sacrifice than that. Nothing at all.