There are two things that hit me this week. Well, actually many things hit me throughout the week...dirty clothes, diapers, homework, food at dinner, I could go on and on, but that is a girlfriend complaint over a long needed glass of wine! Over the weekend, I watched my 4th grade son play in his basketball game. There is so much pain and excitement in watching 10 year-olds play who think they are all NBA material; along with the overcrowding of the gymnasium, and high pitched screams of the siblings under the bleachers, it is sometimes hard to concentrate on what is going on. One particular part stuck me as odd, I know this was not the case when I was 10 in every sporting event I played in, I remember that there is always a team that wins and a team that loses. At the end of every long fought out game, there was nothing better (or worse) than looking at the scoreboard and seeing how you either triumphed in or needed improvement on. Even when it was not apparent, we always knew the general outcome of the game. Kids do that, they keep mental score; we all know as parents, we do it too. It was that way for my parents, their parents and so on. Not last weekend. There was indeed a scoreboard, but it remained scoreless. Even though, I know for a fact that my own child scored several points, he was quick to tell me how many at the end of the game and the final score. My husband asked someone who was keeping track of plays for the teams and his reason was that we didn't want anyone to feel bad about themselves for losing.
I completely get that. I understand that we are teaching our children equality, but at the same time, (and here is where the "Tiger Mom" reference may be applied to me!) why are we not teaching our children that not every one can win and there may be failures in their lives that they need to learn to adjust and grow from? I know we want our children to feel good about their accomplishments, but how can we expect them to give all they have and know the importance of accomplishment when they are not allowed to see it first hand? It reminded me of a study I read last year on the higher levels of teenage suicide in the past few years, more than in years past, of high school graduates who try and/or succeed at a suicide attempt after being rejected from the colleges of their dreams. Why are we raising a generation of children who think that they deserve whatever it is they want to achieve, without having to work for it or "win" the game they are in to get to that goal? I am not talking about the old tactics that were involved with dodge ball in junior high, but the simple common sense notion, that kids need to learn what it means to lose from time to time and how to deal with it. Without mommy and daddy buying them something to compensate for the bad feelings about themselves, we have a generation of children who do not know how to handle their own failures and manage their feelings.
This brings me to the second Epiphany of this week, slightly different from a scoreless game, but in the end, it brings the same result. I came across a news story out of Australia, in which a couple aborted the twin boys they were carrying, because they wanted a girl to replace the child they lost. Their reasoning was that they already had three boys and could not afford to bring every child into the world to get a girl. Australia was not sure they would allow the to use abortion for this reason. The couple said it was their right to sex select and that they would come to the United States to seek treatment if refused by their Country. I was horrified when I read this, not just because of the miss use of abortion by pro-choice standards, but because our society would allow such an idea and not think anything of it. I am not in anyway advocating the use of abortion in any circumstance, but the idea of abusing it to get the child you want, is not only immoral, but unjust. What does this say to their three sons? What if they have a girl child with special needs or she is not the daughter they dreamed she would be? This is truly tragic for the little boys who were created and then destroyed and for the parents that their quest to have a female child has blinded them from magic and beauty of life. This is an example of human beings playing God without consciously regarding the repercussions and pain that will later ensue. I am not in their shoes and I am not going to judge their souls, but I do hope that there is an awakening from this and human beings can understand the irrational excuses we use to get what we want. My mother always told me, that if you are struggling with a decision in your heart and you have to use a "but" to justify if, then it probably needs to be examined thoroughly and not taken lightly. This story has many "buts" in it and I would hope and pray that they can find peace and forgiveness in their lives.
What does this have to do with not keeping score at a child's basketball game you ask? They are both on completely different levels of morality, but the social teaching and lessons our children learn from our life choices and example's are similar. We have no universal set foundation for teaching our children personal responsibility and dealing with the consequences. We have the Ten Commandments in which our laws are based off of, yet we use many "buts" in the laws to justify things we do not want or deem is inconvenient at that moment in our lives. Children who are never taught to deal with failure or not getting their wishes, think they are in ultimate control of their existence, therefore, there is no consequence for their free-will. They do not see that God is ultimately in control of their life and that sometimes, His plan is greater than the life they are living in that moment. They do not know how to deal with not getting instant gratification. Remember the golden rule our parents told us as children? Good things come to those who wait. I have found many times as a mother where I struggle to accept that rule when it comes to my children. We want to control their environment so they do not get hurt, fail at anything or know heart ache. We want them to experience only good feelings, like the joy of a win or the fulfillment in getting what their hearts desire. How can we teach children to live Christlike and accept themselves to the fullest if we set examples in life for them that are false?
It brings me to the one rule I live by as a mother. Believe me, it is not an easy rule to accept daily and I have to remind myself that it is right, especially since my heart is permanently on my sleeve. We do not own our children. They are not our possessions. We cannot control every aspect of their lives and expect them to handle rejection as adults. As a mother, I am a vessel for God to bring life and souls to this earth. My job is to care for them, love them and to nurture them with a strong foundation that enables them to be the best they can be. As a Catholic, it is referred to as raising little saints; my ultimate goal is to raise saintly children. Not in the sense that they will all grow up to be Mother Teresa's or Saint Francis of Assisi's; but that they will have the foundation, confidence and self-love to understand that they individually are a child of God. That their lives are about learning and elevated awareness, failure and success, and most of using every experience in their life to become better and closer to God. I don't get to control that, nor do I get to control which child God needs me to raise. They are all gifts, each one wrapped in His trust of me that I will do the work I was made to do. As a parent, I need to be conscious of that in my daily life.
It is my duty to raise my to understand that if something happens they do not like, they cannot just get rid of the situation or buy their way out of it. Children who have never known loss or failure, grow up to expect that nothing is out of their control. They become parents without any conscious awareness of their individual purpose and believe that they have the right to justify their actions to create their individual happiness. A false happiness. Things like winning a game as a child can easily have the same justification into adulthood; like aborting a baby because you it is not the child you want. This is not just about abortion, it is about everything unexpected day to day in our lives.
The truth is that not a single one of us has always been the child our parents dreamed we would be. We have given them heart-ache, disappointment and loss; we have also shown them unconditional love, knowledge and life. We just never accepted that we are so much more than our human expectations; in truth, we are the children God wanted and planned for us to be. As human beings, it is imperative that we understand and teach our children that. Not everything in our lives will go as planned and we cannot always have it the way we want it to be, but our faith teaches us that ultimately, it is not up to us. Only God knows our path, even with free-will, the outcome is known and where we will end up. It is up to us to surrender to that trust to be the vessels He needs us to be in body, spirit and most importantly as examples of light for the future generations.
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