I was trying to think about what to write about in relation to examining our human consciousness. I had so many ideas on what to write about and how this discussion would go. I decided they all needed to wait. It hit me last night as I was getting dressed to go out. I was looking at my closet, nothing fit the way I wanted it to, nothing jumped out at me and nothing made me feel "great". I was mad about the state of my physical appearance, how is that I did not look like I did in college anymore? Looking in the mirror, I did not see the person I imagine myself to look. On top of that, I had had a long day with the kids, tantrums, homework, laundry, cleaning, packing for our trip in a couple days. I was so busy trying to take care of my family's needs that I had completely neglected my own. That is so easy to do when you have four kids who need your attention, I know in time they will be more self sufficient and I will wish that I had them back, but a small part of me was feeling resentful that at that moment I did not have any time for myself. I oscillated between going out or just giving in. It would be much easier to be mad at home in warm-ups with a book. Yet, I missed my friends. So I went out, not completely happy with how I looked, but then I said to myself, it does not matter, you have way too much baggage for someone to notice anyhow.
I ended up having so much fun and I did not once think about how I looked or felt earlier in the day. On my way home, I realized what I would have missed had I given into my ego and feelings of not being free to do what I wanted. I thought about what it really came down to, it was my free will to be where I was in life and I needed to thank God for the opportunities and grace He has given in my life. But what is free will really? If we all have it, then why are we so trapped all the time with the things in our lives?
I am not sure if it was an Epiphany moment or just a bit of the leftover margarita in me, (I did drink responsibly, in case you are wondering!) But in that moment of clarity I could feel it, not just thought I knew it, but actually let it be received in my heart. Only God has free will; humans have their egos and think free will is to do as they please, it is not until we all understand and awaken our consciousness to be one with God will we attain pure free will. That included my feelings for my self and my life. God gave me the free will to make good decisions and love who I am, but it has been my ego that has controlled all that I do. I was feeling bad about my appearance because I had chosen to be a mother, to take on responsibilities and to grow up. All the while, I was making excuses as to why it was happening and letting God become more distant from my divinity with Him. So when I came home, I challenged myself to something I don't think I have really ever done before, except for the sake of vanity and pretense. I looked into a mirror. I reflected upon all that I was, all that I wanted to be and all that I AM.
Yes, there are imperfections to my body, age to my face, extra weight and stretch marks from my children. But I also know that I would not change that for anything, because that has been from the grace of God to bring me closer to Him. I looked at my body, it has been abused over time, hurt accidentally, taken advantage of by my actions and those of others. It has endured numerous back surgeries, it has hosted and fought cervical and breast cancers, it has been a vessel for God to provide me with four amazing and completely loved souls. It has nurtured them, fed them and taught them about life, being a steward of the planet and a seeker of all things true, good and with love. It has endured life altering situations, some good and some bad, it has been bent and twisted. But never broken. Through all of it, I am still here, embracing and being embraced by my family, my friends and my husband. Never being more harshly judged by anyone other than myself. What an amazing accomplishment and all I ever saw was the imperfections and hardships it carried. That has not been free will, that has been my ego. Why is it that we want so much for those we love, but are too afraid to ask for it ourselves? Why are we so afraid to say to God, please take this from me so I can become better and truer to you? I cannot be an example of Christ for my children and others if I do not see it in myself. Waking up this morning has put a different perspective on who I want to be. My body has been a vessel for God's plan all along. It is sacred and I am the only one who will cherish it. This is where I want to be, all of the other superficial things will fall into place. Once I allow myself to be loved as much as I deserve, I will be able to make more time to take care of me, my children and my responsibilities as a steward of God's world.
Please take a moment dear sisters and look into your own mirrors, it is not horrifying, I promise you will be changed.
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